middle ground

I was 29, living my theoretical dream life on an island but carrying some life decisions and problems that had been dragging behind me for quite some time. I don’t want to go into the specifics of the decision, but let’s just say it was a big one. It was one of those decisions I kept committing to, backing away from, then revisiting again and again.

At that point, I felt like maybe my life was supposed to stay this way - gray and unsatisfactory. I’d almost convinced myself this was just the way life had to be, and as I saw prospects of a better life pass by, I stopped even glancing up to notice them.

But that changed one Saturday morning in the chilly February waters of the Atlantic Ocean.

I got unstuck, and the ocean was the catalyst. This is the story of how it happened, the lessons the ocean has taught me since then, and how they’ve made a real change in my life. I won’t say it completely changed my life, out of respect for other aspects of the work I did simultaneously, and also I don’t want to be clickbaity. ;)

The Gray Waves

As I said, I was 29 at that time, and even though objectively my life was good, I felt empty and shallow. Some days, I’d wake up thinking, Is this it? Is this all there is? But “all that” was good enough - safe and secure - so I didn’t want to take any chances, try to be my own hero, and potentially screw it all up. I’d picked this decision apart and dissected it many times over the years. There were moments when I had practically abandoned my life as it was, but I’d always found my way back to the old patterns and the old “world.”

This time, though, it felt a bit different. The gray time stretched - it had been over four weeks by then. I felt no joy, except in the surf lessons I’d just taken up. I didn’t feel like I could keep living this way, yet I didn’t have the strength or bravery to change.

There’s a saying among surfers: you bring into the water the problems from outside the water. This basically means that if you’re in a bad mood, your surfing will suffer; if you don’t believe in yourself, the ocean won’t believe in you either. At that time, I didn’t know any of that. I’d only completed three lessons but had already gotten my equipment: a used Decathlon board, a new basic Decathlon wetsuit (this is not a sponsored post 🥲), and a lot of enthusiasm for my new hobby.

19th February 2022, morning, Machico, Madeira, Portugal.

Between weekly lessons, I tried to spend as much time in the water as possible, as my instructor stressed this was essential. The water was filled with surf schools, but there were plenty of waves to take and share. Most of us out there were beginners, so it was fine to catch the same wave as a few others. But I couldn’t catch any.

I remember sitting idly in the water for over an hour, turning every now and then to see a wave coming, only to decide I wouldn’t take my chance (hope you’re starting to see my point here ;)). I was frustrated. I was stuck here and there. My life’s scenario downscaled to a single surf session in the ocean. Opportunities were coming, but I was letting them wash over me.

One Wave to rule them all

Suddenly, a whistle¹. I turned and saw a decent wave coming. It was definitely above my pay grade - probably the biggest I’d tried to catch in my short surfing career! I turned and paddled out as hard as I could, initially just to avoid getting wiped out. I felt I was safe, but maybe due to an adrenaline rush, or maybe just anger with myself for sitting idly, I made a decision.

I pushed back on my board to shift my center of gravity back to help with the turn. The wave was probably five meters away and closing in. I pulled my board up with my right hand and used my left to quicken the turn. I looked around - seemed like I was the only one tackling this wave. I started paddling. I felt the push, popped up, and felt like I was about to lose my balance. I got lower, focused, and tried my best not to fall. I felt amazing - free, accomplished. Just in that short moment, I felt like I could do absolutely anything! That’s a feeling I’d had a few times surfing, but this one was especially strong after an hour of boredom.

I fell into the water smiling. I grabbed my board, got hit by a few waves while paddling back, but it didn’t matter. I made it back behind the break, sat there energized and fully alive, and… it hit me.

The mockup of my life

My current life struggle could be simplified and downscaled to this situation: an hour of sitting in the water lacking purpose, while purpose was washing over me. Opportunities were passing by, sometimes nearly hitting me in the face, just like the waves that day.

The only way forward was to make a decision. The only way to continue was to take a chance. I also understood that I lacked life within me, not because of bad things happening, but because nothing was happening - and yet I was still not making changes. I was too afraid that if I took a chance and failed, that would be it. Reality was, is, and will always be that there’s another chance waiting, just like another wave. There’s no harm in trying (at least with conditions suitable for one’s skills ;) ), but there’s plenty of harm - at least internally - in sitting idly.

What else did I learn in the years to come from the ocean and surfing?

1. There Will Be Bad Days

Just like there are those sessions in the water where nothing goes right, life has its rough times that stretch on too long. But those frustrating sessions never make me love surfing any less. Same with life - those low times don’t take away my appreciation for it.

2. Opportunities Come in Sets

In life, like in the ocean, opportunities sometimes come in sets. And just like with waves, I can only catch one at a time. Choosing wisely is critical, and honestly, I’m still figuring it out both in the ocean and on land. Trying to tackle multiple waves… well, in the water, it’s impossible. On land, it usually ended pretty badly for me too.

3. The Ride Always Ends

Every wave, no matter how incredible, will end. Is there a more direct parallel to life than this?

4. The Reward Comes from the Struggle

Surfing hooked me - and it does the same for so many others - because the real reward comes after the struggle. It’s the effort, the push past limits, that makes it all worth it. That struggle gives purpose, and the best reward is just riding that one wave at a time.